INT. LAND ROVER - DAY
A thin, hip,
over-worked, multi-tasking, good-looking FEMALE PRODUCER who can easily put on
mascara AND send a text, all while driving using her freshly pedicured
FOOT, scours the internet for a collaborator or a writer for
hire and stumbles upon the profile of comedy screenwriter Lisa Hepner
(aka Lisa-Laughs-A-Lot, mid 40's) who's very open to collaboration and
|Hmm, she looks a bit like Renee
Zellwegger BEFORE Renee Zellwegger stopped looking like Renee
And she has a manager so
she's already been vetted.
Looks like her comedy script,
was a semi-finalist in the
ScreenCraft Comedy competition. The top 10% of comedy scripts.
She spots an IN-N-OUT
BURGER and immediately veers off the highway, zig zagging between
multiple Prius's, swerving left to barely miss a pregnant lady
jaywalking and then does a 360 degree donut in the parking lot.
INT. HONDA CIVIC - DAY
PRODUCER who can hold a Skype meeting while driving to his next
meeting, who is also extremely good-looking (You're all good-looking
and you know it), discovers Lisa Hepner's LinkedIn profile.
What's with the gray hair?
She doesn't look that old.
Well, at least she must be
comfortable in her own skin.
Shit, are my gray's showing?
He freaks, checks his
sideburns in the mirror.
Wait til after next week though!
She lives in Ore-GONE.
Is that how you pronounce it?
Speaking of guns, looks like she's
against a National Take Your Gun To Work Day.
And she's available to travel to LA
at any time.
That's a plus.
INT. IN-N-OUT BURGER - DAY
Female Producer whispers something very SECRET
to the cashier, who nods.
And some Animal Fries with that.
As well as a Neapolitan Shake. Oh, and
a large drink. 3/4 Coke, 1/4 Diet. Thanks!
off to the side waiting for her order.
Returns to the internet.
She wrote and optioned a parody of So You
Think You Can Dance?
called So You Think You Can Fart. HA!
She looks up at all the
people staring at her for laughing out loud.
She smiles, whatever, goes back to
|It had to be done.
It was so ripe for it.
Ripe, he he.
Damn I'm funny.
Maybe I should write a comedy!
I could collaborate with her? Looks like she got to be a
farter--actor--in it too. That's pretty ballsy.
Give it up for pioneers like her who
pave the way toward making farting acceptable for women across the
You go girl, WOOT WOOT.
She picks up her order, RIPS a big one and
gives a gesture "I'm out."
Male Producer, finishes
his shave, puts
his electric shaver away,
continues browsing the profile.
Wonder what type of comedy she likes?
Looks like she likes The Jerk,
Airplane, Vacation (the original), Legally Blonde (who doesn't?
I even like that one if I'm being
completely honest with myself), There's Something About Mary, Liar
Liar, Bruce Almighty, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Meet the Parents...I
like those too.
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,
Guardians of the Galaxy and Trainwreck.
Actually,come to think of it, there aren't a lot of really good current comedies
He becomes lost in
thought as a car HONKS, jolting him.
flips the driver off and continues on.
Hmmm, she writes movies with
They've proven to be a hit at the box
Plus Paul told me to look for more of
Maybe I'll shoot her an email.
Wonder if she could write a treatment
for an idea I've had spinning around in my head for a while?
Actually, she'd probably be
great fit for that rewrite of GUY's
Could use a female perspective.
Male Producer whips out his green KALE drink
and gulps it down.
INT. LAND ROVER - DAY
Female Producer rips
through her food.
She really tears into it.
out of a not-so-sexy Carl's Junior commercial.
Wonder if she has anything we could shoot
Looks like she has a lot of movies
based on simple concepts and phrases:
Simon Says, Murphy's Law, Negative
Nancy-- Maybe that's her thing; taking simple concepts, phrases or
terms and putting fun and interesting twists on them.
has a script called No Woman about women who have a hard time saying
Good thing I don't have that problem!
FEMALE PRODUCER notices a missed text from her
dad. "We still on for pickle ball?"
I hate pickle ball.
It's for old people.
Or out-of-shape people.
It's like the new Zumba.
She rapid fires her
response "SURE." Inserts a smiley face emoji.
It is her dad, after all.
Maybe I'll give her a call about
It might be a fun read.
INT. LISA'S HOME OFFICE
Lisa does her happy
dance, which looks more like a "Tire pump" dance (puts the sprinkler
dance to shame) because she just got off the phone with her manager
who LOVED her latest script, Murphy's Law.
After a few minutes,
more like 10 seconds, of happy dancing,
she sits back down at her laptop.
Too much work to do; writing,
rewriting, polishing, outlining.
She's doing a polish on No Woman,
finishing up Negative Nancy, brainstorming a new Rom Com, co-writing a short with a local
director and outlining an animated script from a book she's in the
process of optioning.
No rest for the wicked--wicked, as in
BACK TO SCENE
picks up the phone and dials (503)
349-5710 while giving the Fart parody a "thumbs up"
Male Producer, with a
green, frothy moustache,
a quick email to:
literally and discouragingly counting the number of current comedies
that he really LOVED--on one hand.
INT. LISA'S HOME OFFICE (NOW THE SPARE BEDROOM)
Lisa's eyes widen with
delight as she receives the email from Male Producer requesting a
She takes a call from Female Producer
and agrees to send out notes on her take of the material.
BACK TO SCENE
BOTH producers do their own "happy dance,"
glad to have connected with such an easy to work with writer who also
happens to do a great Axyl Rose impersonation singing
Welcome to the Jungle.
Only after a few drinks.
Actually, only one.
She's a lightweight.
INT. LISA'S HOME OFFICE (NOW THE BATHROOM) -
Lisa, on the toilet
(She's good at multi-tasking too), sends off the
writing sample right away and emails the notes on time, as promised.
And they all lived happily ever after,
doing their respective happy dances and collaborating and working on fun projects
for the foreseeable future, hopefully adding a little
LAUGHTER into the sometimes seemingly dark abyss.